I went away.

I just got back from my summer vacation. It was good. Kinda weird since I dont normally attend church and haven't been active for a while. I grew up in Utah so going home can be interesting seeing as I live in a community that is void of Mormons.

My sister got married which was a good reason to return home. She wanted me to be her Matron of Honor which meant I needed a dress. I looked around here and didnt find anything so I hoped I would find something in UT. I spent 3 days looking for something that my mom would approve of. THREE DAYS. My poor boys were shopped out and dreaded going anywhere with me since it meant they might get stuck in the ladies department.

Well, the time came and she got married in a temple. Since I hadn't gotten my act together, I had to wait outside. That day, I didn't really let it get to me that I was on the outside. I figured it was her day and that my attendance in the actual room wasn't going to affect the goodness of her marriage. The event went well, the reception afterwards went well. It was good. Then I headed out to the in-laws' family cabin for my vacation away from my vacation. Surrounded by family and church stuff, it became apparent to me that perhaps I needed to get my act together. I have a son who is getting pretty old and has priesthood responsibilities coming up, if he so chooses. It really hit me today what had happened was an idea of what I may face after death. Everyone in my family was in the temple and they were all asking where I was. It dawned on me that heaven might be like that, that everyone will be there asking where I was and because I let my pride get the best of me, I wont be there. And it could be that my children wont be there because I'm a dork. And that will be on my head. Its some pretty heavy stuff. So I'm starting to try to get my act together and its not easy since my husband wasn't up there with me to have the experiences I did. I'm not really sure what I'm getting myself into. Its kinda scary to decide to change your ways. Like, I keep wondering if this is just temporary or why I'm doing this. Is it peer pressure or is it truly something I want? And why do I care what people think about my beliefs or anything like that? it should be about me and God right?

More to come later. Its late and i'm rambling. :)